That is absolutely glorious.

It is even dumber and more malicious than it sounds.

It’s like the Republican Party got taken over by incompetent James Bond villains. However, despite what’s portrayed in Live and Let Die, alligators don’t normally prey on humans.

Nobody said it wasn’t.

I imagine being a high school teacher sometimes feels like being Margaret Dumont in a Marx Brothers movie.

Just knowing that a black person’s ass cheeks have touched the same toilet seat as theirs is enough to make racists lose their minds.

Probably the “Big Beautiful Ugly Bill”, which is very unpopular, so they are trying to ram it through the house as quickly as possible.

I have a rule that “Nothing will be automated that cannot be manually overridden.”

Well, actually it’s my wife’s rule but it’s a good rule nonetheless. As a result, there’s a big panel full of relays in the basement that is the “last mile” for anything climate control or security related.

There have been a few times when it’s been handy. Like when the exhaust fan isn’t working and I don’t want to debug the ESP32 controller today so I just flip it over to “Manual”.

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Teenagers sometimes have to get blisters a few times before learning that it’s wiser to do the smart thing even if it wasn’t your idea.

Then again, I know a few adults like that too.

Scratch the beer and the vape, add a single malt scotch, and take my money.

Honestly, you knew it was a child’s birthday party and yet you didn’t bring enough to share? That was pretty inconsiderate.

Highly location dependent. We have useable cell service in our house but Internet over 5G is slow.

Corporate America over here committing piracy en masse.

In my neighborhood you get a choice between coax or nothing.

Well there’s a perfectly logical reason for that. The right’s main issue with Obama is that he has the fucking audacity to be black.

Best I can do is a golden goat.

Best: My wedding. It was low-key and beautiful. The only thing I should have done differently was hire a photographer because the family members who were taking pictures did a shit job.

I’m honestly hesitant to answer the next part. I will with the disclaimer that it contains references to sexual violence. If that’s uncomfortable for you, please accept my apologies and read no further.

Worst: My brother in laws wedding. The ceremony was fine. After that, we stood there for a bit talking to my wife’s dad and step mom. Her dad basically admitted to mollesting one of my wife’s cousins when she was a teenager. He didn’t phrase it as an admission. He said she “accused him” of getting her drunk and assaulting her. And then he laughed it off saying that he couldn’t imagine why anyone would accuse him of something like that.

My poor wife stood there the entire time, speechless; gripping my arm like a vice. We excused ourselves and went back to the car. She cried the entire way to the hotel. One of the few times I’ve ever seen her do that. She said she thought he had only assaulted her. She never imagined he would do that to other girls, otherwise she would have said something.

It took every ounce of restraint in me to keep from knocking his teeth out while he was telling that bullshit story because I knew he had done it but I also knew my wife wouldn’t like it if I made a scene.

The lesson I took away from that experience, one that I try to carefully convey to my kids, is that if you are a victim of sexual assault, please, please, please tell someone. You may not be the first. But you most likely won’t be the last. I know it’s hard. I know it’s painful. I know you wish it had never happened. I don’t blame you. I don’t blame my wife for not telling anyone because I know how painful it was for her.

But here’s the thing. You can’t erase the past. But you might be able to make sure you’re the last victim, if you can find the courage within yourself to speak up.

Reporters should all just say it was Don Jr.